We can signal to others that they are valuable and worth knowing through gentle inquiry and a spirit of curiosity.

Trauma happens when an event overwhelms your capacity to cope. Often times, no one steps in to help you get unstuck. As a result, you may think that your experiences are unimportant, that your pain is of no consequence, or that you deserve to be ignored. One cruel yet common result of trauma are intense feelings of shame, which can lead to thoughts that we are invisible, worthless, defective, or unlovable.

One antidote that challenges this negative self-image is the experience of being treated as valuable and lovable. Showing genuine interest in someone can shift negative assumptions and therefore also shift the way you think and feel about yourself.

How to practice curiosity with others

First, notice details about others and remember them, like names of pets, important dates, a preference in seasons, cuisines or music. When a neighbor or coworker shares little details about themselves, take note. Maybe even write it down quickly so you don’t forget. You are a detective, looking for subtle clues as to what makes someone else uniquely them.

Next, ask a follow-up question. It can be in the moment of noticing or can also be at a later time or when there’s a space in the conversation. “I saw you had a ‘Camp Sally’ shirt on yesterday. Do you like to go camping?” or “Have you always been a tea drinker?” This demonstrates to the other person they are worth noticing and remembering.

Often in conversation, we lean toward open-ended questions to encourage sharing, but here it’s okay to ask yes or no questions. The other person may see your genuine question as an invitation to share more and do so. If not, you’ve also given them a quick way out of the conversation, with no hard feelings.

Remain curious, yet sensitive

To some, asking questions about their lives can feel intrusive, and they may be reluctant to answer. If this is the case, consider sharing something about yourself first and then ask a question. It may be something like, “I started cleaning out my garage on Saturday, but lost steam and it’s still a mess. Did you work on any projects this weekend?” or “Did you know my parents chose my name from a commercial they saw on TV? Are you named after anyone?” These are still yes or no questions, but nestled in some low stakes, honest sharing to set the tone.

Most people, especially those with a trauma history, can sense insincerity a mile away, so don’t fake it! This only works if you are truly interested in other people, what makes them who they are, how they make their decisions, or what is important to them. Pretending to be interested is worse than not being interested at all.

Further, if a person chooses to share with you, listen with your undivided attention. Nod your head, maintain eye contact, and sustain positive, nonjudgmental energy. This person is giving you the gift of themselves; treat it as precious.

“I am worth your attention”

Because we pay attention to what we care about, genuine interest in another person sends the message that they are important. We give energy to what we value.

Every day we have the opportunity to lovingly counter trauma responses in those around us. Even in the smallest way, our genuine interest in another says to that person, “I see you. You are worth learning about. You are worth knowing. You are not alone.”

Final Thoughts: Curiosity is a powerful tool

This week, get curious about someone in your life. With your gentle and genuine interest, you provide evidence of their value. You have the power to help move someone from, “I’m invisible and I don’t matter” to “I’m not alone and I have value.” And that can change everything.

Curiosity is a powerful tool for growth and one of our core values at Chefalo Consulting. Read more about how curiosity deepens self-awareness or download our Complete Guide to Trauma-Informed Implementation and learn how to use curiosity to ask powerful questions and shift your perspective.