Table of Contents
Introduction
A note before reading: This topic is nuanced, complex, and worth taking time to fully explore. We created a discussion guide to help. Further, we would appreciate your thoughtful observations and questions in the comments section about any aspects we may have overlooked.
Discerning your tolerance – what to tolerate, when, and how – is a workplace practice we need more of as our lives become increasingly complex. Drawing boundaries, managing distress, moving through the discomfort of growth, and tolerating the messiness of organizational change are some of the many ways tolerance is required if we hope to build a person-centered workplace. Let's explore the art of practicing tolerance and how you can start applying it today.
Is Our Distress Tolerance Decreasing?
In a recent Mindful Management podcast interview with Nancy Lyons, CEO of Clockwork, Nancy observed how much of our lives are now geared to meet our desired specifications. What we see online is tailored to our interests. There's DoorDash to bring the exact thing we want to eat the moment we want it. There's drive-up everything to protect us from waiting for anything.
Tailoring our lives in this way may mean we're losing the capacity to succeed in places where we have less control over our environment, like at work.
In the workplace, tolerance manifests in various ways: enduring a colleague's conflicting communication style, working through disagreements with team members who hold opposing viewpoints, or adapting to organizational changes that feel uncomfortable.
It's about navigating the inevitable differences that arise when any group of diverse individuals work together and exhibiting the emotional maturity to accept the differences of others and move forward in positive ways.
Defining Tolerance in the Workplace
Tolerance can be defined as "the degree to which we accept things of which we disapprove." Tolerance has also been described as "an attitude that is intermediate between wholehearted acceptance and unrestrained opposition."
To tolerate something implies a negative. You wouldn't "tolerate," for example, something enjoyable or say that someone has a high tolerance for comfort. Tolerance applied at work exists only in the face of distress or discomfort.
Tolerance Practice, Step One: Pause and Assess
As we navigate the complex dynamics of workplace relationships, these initial steps can help us develop a healthier relationship with tolerance:
When you feel that surge of frustration or disapproval toward a colleague, pause to examine it closely. Pinpoint the moments and describe your response in the best detail you can. What really lies beneath your reactions to the behavior of others at work?
Key questions to ask yourself:
How is this affecting me? Be specific about the impact on your work, wellbeing, and relationships. Try your best to see connections between distressing work situations and your overall behavior and wellbeing.
What about this situation scares me? Fear often masquerades as intolerance in professional settings. We are afraid of what is unfamiliar – different working styles, cultural backgrounds, communication approaches – and are therefore intolerant of it. We confuse "wrong" with "different."
What are ethical considerations of this situation? Consider whether what you're tolerating creates moral injury. This is psychological distress that occurs when asked or pressured to participate in activities which violate your personal moral code.
How might I be overcompensating for someone else? Women in particular have been socialized to meet the needs of everyone around them before meeting their own. In workplace settings, this can manifest as taking on additional responsibilities, emotional labor, or administrative tasks beyond their job descriptions.
How is this having a negative impact on my health and well-being? Notice how your tolerance is being challenged; try to describe it in detail. Where do you feel it? What thoughts go through your mind?
What do I need? Consider both your immediate and long-term needs, including safety plans if necessary.
What control do I have in this situation? Identifying your sphere of influence helps direct your energy effectively.
Being honest with yourself about your triggers and reactions can reveal whether your intolerance is serving as a necessary boundary or as a reflexive shield keeping new professional growth at bay.
If you think your job is harming your mental health, read THIS for clarity.
Tolerance Practice, Step Two: Take the Best Approach for You
Once you have taken time to understand the situation you are in, you can respond in multiple ways, internally and externally. In response to the situation you are tolerating, either remove the distress through boundary setting or transform by practicing acceptance.
Draw Clearer Boundaries
What have you been tolerating for too long in your professional life? Where can you lovingly assert your needs? Consider the work relationships, situations, or behaviors you've been enduring that consistently drain your energy or compromise your values. Sometimes, the most self-respecting action is to stop tolerating what doesn't serve your well-being or professional growth.
This might mean having difficult conversations with colleagues, changing teams or environments, or simply saying "no" more often to additional responsibilities. Be honest with yourself and your team about your work capacity. Resist taking on the labor of others – emotional, professional, or otherwise. It's not yours to take and causes others to miss out on opportunities for growth.
In practice, this might look like:
Declining to take notes in every meeting: "I'm happy to contribute in other ways during our meetings..."
Having direct conversations about communication: "Can we discuss ways to communicate more effectively?"
Setting clear work hours: "I'm available during these specific times and will respond to messages then..."
Requesting specific feedback: "Can you share concrete examples in addition to your general comments? I find that to be helpful."
Filing formal complaints when necessary: "I need to address this situation through proper channels to ensure it's resolved appropriately..."
For more, read Eleven Trauma-Informed Boundary Phrases to Use at Work
Learn to Skillfully Disagree
In an era of increasing polarization, the ability to engage in respectful disagreement becomes crucial. You need this skill at work more than ever. This means skillfully expressing dissent without dismissal. It means being able to challenge the ideas of others, respecting the humanity of others, and remaining open to having our own views challenged.
It's about creating spaces where different perspectives can coexist without requiring complete agreement. Again, this too requires us to tolerate our own distress when our ideas are questioned or when we encounter viewpoints that challenge our own.
In practice, skillful disagreement might look like:
Leading with curiosity: "I'm interested in understanding more about your approach..."
Focusing on shared goals: "I think we both want this project to succeed..."
Separating ideas from identities: "I have concerns about this approach, though I appreciate your thinking..."
Proposing alternatives rather than just critiquing: "What if we tried..."
The key to examining tolerations as a tool is to practice mindfulness. As a tool for self-reflection, tolerations relate to our relationships with others and ourselves. What are we, as individuals and/or as a team, willing to accept, and where might we need to set boundaries? What patterns are we tolerating in our relationship with ourselves?
Practice Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance in the workplace is simply acknowledging what is. There are other people in your professional life who believe and act in ways you find unpleasant or upsetting. It doesn't mean you approve or agree, it simply means there is a reality that you cannot change. Fighting it is foolishness.
This is another paradox we must radically accept: that you can fully acknowledge reality as it is without wanting it to change AND move toward action. Radical acceptance is both a process and a result. It can bring peace, but also clarity about where we need to make change.
So much of our workplace experience lies beyond our direct control: colleagues' behaviors, leadership decisions, market forces, organizational changes. Learning to accept what we cannot change while focusing our energy on what we can influence is a cornerstone of workplace well-being and effectiveness.
In practice, this might look like:
Radically accepting organizational pace: "I understand some initiatives take time here, and I'll continue suggesting ways we might improve efficiency..."
Working with different communication styles: "I recognize we have distinct ways of expressing ourselves, and I'm committed to finding common ground for effective collaboration..."
Modern and ancient representations of the wisdom of acceptance can be applied to workplace challenges. Perhaps one of these approaches resonates with you:
Buddhist radical acceptance: This mindfulness-based approach encourages fully accepting reality without resistance or judgment. In the workplace, this might mean acknowledging organizational realities without wasting energy fighting them.
Alcoholics Anonymous: Step Three is the "turn it over" step. The idea is that by releasing the need to control everything, individuals can find peace, clarity, and healing. For professionals, this might translate to delegating appropriately and trusting colleagues.
Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." A timeless guide for focusing our professional energy where it matters most.
Let Them: A 2024 book by Mel Robbins that says by simply saying "Let them," you accept others as they are and focus on your own peace. Applied to work, this means allowing colleagues to have their own journey and focusing on your own contributions.
Taoist effortless action: A fundamental Taoist concept that encourages going with the flow of life rather than resisting it, as seen in Tao Te Ching by Laozi. In professional contexts, this might mean finding the path of least resistance to achieve goals rather than forcing solutions.
Your Workplace Tolerance Practice is Unique to You
Resentment builds, and what starts as a few nuisances at work suddenly feels like a toxic work environment. The key question becomes: Are you stuffing something down, ignoring your own cues, or are you working through a season or moment that is requiring you to cultivate tolerance?
Is it a minor annoyance? Only you can answer that. Maybe it's a trauma response. Maybe it's been building for days, weeks, or years. On the flip side, learning to tolerate minor irritations is part of professional maturity when working alongside a diverse group of individuals. Only you can know your experience and decide the best course of action.
Growing Pains and Uncertainty
The gap between not knowing and knowing, moving from beginner to expert is an uncomfortable process and requires us to tolerate discomfort. The most rewarding aspects of our careers take grit and perseverance to achieve: developing expertise, building meaningful professional relationships, leading complex projects, or navigating organizational change. Professional (and personal) growth is on the other side of a painful process, and without distress tolerance, we quit before we get to the good stuff.
As it's said, beyond death and taxes, nothing is certain. Extraordinary efforts to control things we cannot predict or control only erode our well-being. This is especially true in today's rapidly changing business environment, where funding shifts, technological disruptions, and organizational changes are constant. Learning to tolerate – even embrace – uncertainty is a critical professional skill.
Caution: A Word on Weaponizing
Applying the concepts of tolerance and awareness to both yourself and others is an act of advanced self-awareness. It requires deep contemplation, noticing, nonjudgment, and wisdom. If we're not careful, our behavior in the name of tolerance or acceptance can be used to control and manipulate others.
For example, perhaps you act rashly and decide you will no longer participate at work in a certain way. You tell your colleagues you are drawing a boundary. This could, in fact, be your next right move, but perhaps the core issue is you are avoiding a difficult conversation with your team.
Practicing these concepts without a meditative quality and rushing through this awareness puts you at risk of actually solidifying the behavior that isn't serving you rather than trasnforming it. Mindfulness is required.
To support your mindfulness practice, download our tailored-for-you Mindfulness E-Book.
Conclusion
Workplace tolerance is a nuanced skill that requires ongoing practice and self-awareness. It involves thoughtfully discerning when to accept differences, when to adapt, and when to draw firm boundaries.
As you move forward, consider what aspects of your work life might benefit from greater acceptance, and which situations call for clearer boundaries. Remember that tolerance is highly personal. What one person finds unbearable, another might hardly notice. Trust your own assessment of what you need, while remaining open to growth and discomfort when it serves your larger purpose.
Discussion Guide
The concepts here are nuanced and important. Adjusting your mindset and behavior can benefit you greatly, so we created reflection and discussion questions to guide you.
Download the The Art of Tolerance at Work Reflection and Discussion Guide to help you apply these concepts in your workplace. Use it for your own self-reflection, or with your team.