Accept your full humanity at work. To become a happier, more resilient worker, try these self-compassion techniques when you feel you’ve missed the mark.
“I blew it.”
It’s a universal feeling because we’ve all been there. We think, “Everyone else gets it, but I don’t,” or “How does everyone else manage when I’m barely keeping up?” We feel like we don’t measure up, we should be doing more and doing it better. It’s easy to push, prod, guilt and beat ourselves up for making mistakes or falling behind.
When self-blame bubbles up, you can lean into your trauma-informed leadership skills by choosing self-compassion instead.
What self-compassion is and is not
Self-compassion is sometimes seen as weak, taking the easy way out of bad feelings, or letting yourself off the hook. In fact, it takes courageous acceptance and can get you unstuck and back to performing at your best.
Self-compassion is accepting the reality of the human condition and therefore your humanness. To demand perfection from yourself is denying what is true and real: humans are imperfect. EVERY human is imperfect, including you. Denying your humanness is like being mad at water for being wet, or rocks for being hard. Humans forget things, act selfishly, miss important cues, get tired, and lash out, especially when we slip into trauma states. It’s our nature; it’s who we are.
Practicing self-compassion requires openness and ease. To stop resisting what is unchangeable is the only sane choice; the alternative is akin to forcing the seasons to stop changing or the sun to stop setting. The wise approach is to give up the fight, accept, adapt, and choose to be at peace. In a work setting, this means choosing to be at peace with yourself and your humanness.
Why self-compassion
Beating yourself up after dropping the ball at work is one approach, and we all do it. However, extending sympathy and understanding to yourself is the kind and effective approach to the inevitable. Anger, shame, and punishment might change behavior in the short-term; but what we know about change is that the short-term solution tends to make the problem worse in the long run.
Although blame, shame, or the fear of punishment might motivate you in the moment, they decrease your professional quality of life in the long run by removing joy and connection from your work.
Self-compassion connects rather than isolates, soothes rather than punishes, and finds a way forward instead of stunting growth. Sending yourself to the depths of unworthiness with blame does not lead to better performance in the future. Instead, it keeps us stuck. Being kind to yourself means you’ll be less stressed and more resilient to make it through the tough times ahead.
By nature, we are at work to contribute, to deliver. We have recommendations to make, conflicts to settle, sales quotas to reach, clients to see, and so, so much paperwork to complete. With all the obligations of work this means there are many ways to fall short…and therefore ample opportunity to practice self-compassion!
Three actions of self-compassion: accept, shift, move
ACCEPT the moment.
You realize you missed a deadline, overlooked an important detail, or contributed the least on a group project. You may feel embarrassed, like you don’t deserve to be there.
Part of the reason this is a painful experience is because we believe it shouldn’t be happening. We consistently tell ourselves I should be able to do this. This is faulty thinking because in fact as human, we cannot deliver with perfection. Take a moment to accept this truth and the feelings of disbelief will dissolve. Of course I missed the mark – I’m human.
And remember, you don’t have to like or understand something in order to accept is as true or real.
SHIFT your perspective.
Remind yourself of the laws of nature, about the truth of the human experience. Re-gain the long-term perspective of your life and your worth. Here are some phrases you can use:
This isn’t as big as it feels right now.
Everything is figure-out-able.
I add value even when I’m not at my best.
Nobody knows what they’re doing all the time – I’m no exception.
This doesn’t define who I am. I am more than my work.
For more words of affirmation, read 7 Things You Didn’t Know You Needed to Hear.
MOVE into action.
This could literally mean to move your body. Go for a short walk around the office or shake your arms and legs to dislodge the negative self-talk from your body.
Shame thrives in isolation, so try reaching out to someone you trust. A quick text with, “I blew it at work today,” or “I can’t believe I just did this,” or “I feel so disappointed in myself,” to someone you know will respond with compassion can help jump start compassion toward yourself.
You may need to move to correct a situation. If an apology is warranted, offer it. If a re-do is possible, do it. If your work mistake occurred because you lacked a necessary skill or proper direction, make a plan on how to increase your competency or clarify your process in that area. Further, if you are overwhelmed by the workload, work with your supervisor to prioritize. Release optional tasks you may have taken on and focus on your high-priority responsibilities. (For more, read 11 Trauma Informed Boundary Phrases to Use at Work)
If self-compassion is hard for you and negative self-talk is a well-worn groove, you may need to start with this approach: act as if. In cognitive behavioral therapy, thinking changes, then behavior. However, sometimes we must lead with a change in actions and our brain will follow. Imagine how a competent, reliable, rock-star worker might handle a work blunder. With openness and ease? With a grin and a quick fix, then forget about it? Imagine how it would look and do that. Your brain will likely follow suit. It’s okay to fake it till you make it.
Final thoughts: Embrace your humanity
Falling short of perfection is the human condition. This is what connects us to others, not what sets us apart. Everyone feels insecure at times because no one delivers with perfection 100% of the time. Tolerate, accept, and be kind to your shortcomings, just as you would offer grace and understanding to someone else. If you want to be happier, move through tough moments more quickly, and therefore be more productive at work, be compassionate toward yourself. You’re only human after all.
Cultivating self-compassion is one way of many ways to live out trauma-informed values. If you’re curious about more changes you can make to improve your performance at work or your professional quality of life, check out 9 Ways to Embody Trauma-Informed Values.
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